Allright, I figure it's been long enough since the last post, and since that last one was certainly me grasping at straws
(and I realized that the promised zombie talk just ain't gonna work...least not yet), I've been thinking of some worth-while topics. So considering the origins of this here bloggy blog, and the fact that most of the DB parent support/advice I found, while awesomely helpful, inspirational and comforting, rarely touched on the dead-baby daddy side of things, I thought maybe I'd try and give some insights, or at least open up some discussion, into this DB dad experience.
Now before I go off yakking, and before someone logs on here thinking I'm some kind of expert, let me lay out what will probably be the general disclaimer for any of these "Ask a DB Dad" posts.
If there is such a thing as an expert on being the parent of a dead baby, it certainly ain't me. I'm not even a year into this journey yet and I'm certainly still looking for answers myself. I have, however, seen, read, heard and experienced a few things that I feel might be worth sharing with those unfortunate enough to join this club.
Everyone's experience is different. We've all come to this place different paths, in different ways: no one "knows exactly how you feel". Be it that your loss came as a miscarriage, stillbirth, or the loss of a child after their birth, everyone seems to feel that pain in their own way.
That being said, there are plenty of blogs and boards out there where DB parents can share. But if you are a DB dad, you'll find that most of these places are populated with the mothers of our children, and as welcoming as they are, and as much as we feel the same pain, the experience just isn't quite the same.
no shit? really? Okay, so I know its kind of obvious, but it's something to keep in mind as you go out there in search of support and, more importantly, as you support yo' baby's mama. As caught up as I was in my own feelings after Joel died, I did have to kind of remind myself that my wife might not simultaneously feel the same things I felt. Just the same, we certainly might not deal with it the same way.
Well, okay, we kinda did: housework distractions, gallows humor, and lots of reading/writing. The big thing was that we let it be okay to emote: and thats probably the one thing these Mommas are so good at that I suggest the DB daddies adopt: let yourself be emotional, at least a bit. This is a big thing with lots of big emotions in play, and yes, that DB Momma needs you to be strong and manly and all those things, but she also needs to know it's okay for her to share all her emotions with you.
Now I'm working off the idea that in this situation you and momma are on good terms or at least maintain some kind of relationship. If not, I'm certainly not judging, because, well hey, some women can't be lived with...or maybe you're the one who couldn't be lived with, but thats totally something for you and your therapist (or lawyer) to work out.
As easy as it might be, and as much of a natural reaction as it might be to simply shut down and block it all out, sitting in the basement playing X-box for three days straight with an ever growing pile of empty Dorito bags surrounding you isn't going to be the best way to handle things. (God, that does sound like heaven though...)
Same thing goes for completely remodeling your house. Or building a Camaro....from scratch. Being productive and doing stuff is a GOOD thing, but don't delve so far in that you shut off the other half of the parent equation. Yes, from the moment that pregnancy test came up positive, she's been getting tons more attention than you, and now that tragedy has struck she is still most likely the focus of most of the love and support from others (it's just natural dude, it's nothing against you, it's just the same thing as how they don't throw baby showers for dads...we just go out drinking), she needs to know she's going through this with you. Amazingly, you'll find that it makes things a little easier to process for yourself as well.
Now ladies, you aren't off the hook either, that DB Daddy needs the same thing, but be careful not to act interested in his 62-hour X-box marathon: we totally take that as permission for an additional 24 hours.
Venus, Mars, etc. etc., yeah, men and women are gonna deal with this differently, just like every individual will; but at the end of the day, you've gotta recognize that as individual as you are, as solitary as your story is, you're still not alone. Those emotions you've got driving you crazy right now, that you don't know what to do with, they aren't unheard of, they aren't taboos. 'Dealing' with it is not the same as 'ignoring' it.
So if you can't find anywhere else, use the anonymity of the Internet and toss me a comment or a question. If not, keep coming back. Now that we've set the stage, we can get into more dad-specific posts (I would've said Dad-centric, but thats taken...and worth clicking).
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