cripes

It's an interesting phenomenon of my brain that when I am required to write something (read: grad school, lesson plans, etc.) I become greatly in-tune with the great truths of the world. More specifically, the great truths that have absolutely nothing to do with what I am supposed to be doing.

As such, I have plenty of bloggy thoughts right now, but I have to be somewhere else, typing for even fewer people than I do here (if you can believe that).

For one thing, I've found the urge to finally do the most obvious thing for this blog that I have somehow failed to do up to this point: recall the days and moments surrounding Joel's death. No promise on when that will be posted, but it is coming. Definitely over the course of a few entries.

I'm also going to finally post something I mentioned a long-ass time ago. It's a little thing that rattles around in the back of my head; the synopsis for a comic (or something) that my wife and I came up with. "Action 8" Imagine your quirky ass local news team. Now imagine they have to cover shit like zombies and alien invasions. I dunno, we just wanted to make up passive-aggressive conversations between Tony Cavalier and Tim Irr.

Yes, we're odd.

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...who the hell lives in Tazewell, Va?

Happy Birthday!

With my birthday coming up, I had been thinking quite a bit about my family. Not just my wife and boys, but my parents and extended family. As usually seems to be the case when I feel bad about things with my family, someone stepped up to make me feel a little better...well, at least justified.

This is a facebook exchange I had on my birthday.

Some required backstory: "Auntie P", a childhood favorite, has sent me a few messages on holidays, but I hadn't responded for reasons ranging from: "I'm too sad for this" to "how are you nice to me and shitty to my wife?" to "...just waiting for you to talk about what I want to talk about..."

I haven't edited anything but names.

and ooooooh, a link to my facebook. Screw it, I'll leave it.

Auntie P July 5 at 12:43pm Report

Happy Birthday to you!! Even tho you no love me no more....I still love you!!! Hope you have a great day...what are you now...like 50?

Me July 5 at 1:40pm

Thank you, and I do still love you. The thing is that there are things that have never been said that maybe should have been. And I don't like that I get sent nice, happy messages, when at the same time my wife receives not-very-nice messages, or anonymous messages about me not replying to Christmas greetings, as if it had anything to do with her. It's two-faced, and I don't like it.

and if anyone really gave a damn about how I actually feel, they would've sent a message on May 28th AND they would've apologized for enabling their bastard brother being such a worthless piece of garbage for so many years (Steve laughing at my wife at Joel's funeral and mocking his death in a subsequent email)

I read over your Christmas message several times because it gave me joy to know B and R are doing so well, but the fact is I was really too sad to respond on what should've been my second son's first Christmas.

So yeah, I have a lot of hurt feelings and confounding thoughts in regard to family right now and really, until my son gets some acknowledgement, or I at least get a "yes, steve really is a piece of shit and theres no excuse for it" I really don't have much to say to anyone, despite how much they may try to make themselves feel better by sending me messages.

I love you, I truly do, and I wish you and your boys, and the rest of our family, only the best because you have been nothing but wonderful to me my whole life, but none of that excuses the past year.

Auntie P July 5 at 3:43pm Report

what happened on May 28th? I have my own "BEEF" with members of the fam. but have learned to live and let live...guess it's easier that way for me. I understand alot of your frustrations but I exiled myself from my mom for over a year and in the end it just hurts more looking back. I pray for you all...including baby Joel. I can't even imagine your pain at his loss and I want you to know that he is a part of ME too!! Please tell Kyle Julian about me and his cousins. I love that little fella even though I have never seen him.

Me July 5 at 5:17pm

Joel was born on May 28th, and clearly if you think ignoring the existence of a child, and mocking his death is something to "live and let live" well then you are correct, you cannot imagine our pain. I think we are done here.

What happend on May 28th? Really?? You couldn't GUESS? Ah well, let's just keep on not talking about it.

Sorry, but I'm just not going to soil his memory by forgiving anything without a little show of remorse. And damn, now that I've said that in a public forum, it suddenly becomes more difficult for me to acknowledge an apology. Oh the games we play...

but seriously, it's been a good birthday.

ah, dammit! Cut that out!

No one ever told me that being in the DB club makes you an asshole to your next kid.

Every time he is sleeping quietly for more than five minutes, I poke him.

"Hey. pssst, hey. You alive?"

"bluurgle *squeeak* aaahh"

"YAY!"

(yes, babies sound like tires deflating in mud.)