Joel's Story

I started this blog because I wanted to make myself do something productive (if you can call this thing 'productive), other people, however, have done a much better job of contributing to the world since the loss of their child or children.

Take, for example, Malory, who created Every Life Has a Story in honor of her daughter Janessa after she passed away. She makes keepsake / memorial videos for those of us who have so little to remember our children by.

I woke up this morning to find that, along with a snow day, she had blessed us with a video for Joel. (Yes, this woman is such an angel I am crediting her with the snow day too).

Joel Tristan Culver @ Yahoo! Video

'Thank you' is not enough.

snowy thoughts

Sitting at work (lunch time - my time - union says you can't fuss at me! ha!), watching the snow fall in 5 different directions, sipping the gas station cappuencino..cappaccc..capikachu...toffee-coffee for which I braved the insane snow for, I wonder to myself, "WHY HAVEN'T THEY SENT THESE CHILDREN HOME YET??"     I'll keep my fingers crossed.

On the upside, the longer I'm here, the more kids get to marvel at my 80s outfit: cuffed, faded jeans, tucked-in Iron Maiden t-shirt, rat-tail (thank you, wife).       Most kids saw me this morning, flippedo out, laughed.  One bright young lad looked at me, smiled, and said, "this does not surprise me."  Yes, Mr. Culver is the funny one....or at least the weird one.

But you guys already knew that. 


DB blog coming up shortly :  some heads-advice when it comes to religion and the dead baby experience.  Its as much for "comforters" as it is for the DB parents, so feel free to pass it along to all your friends and neighbors!

time to fluff the rat-tail; students are on their way.


...wait, that sounds dirty... ick.

Ask a DB Dad: a question you won't think to ask

You'll never see it coming.

So here is an issue that has bothered me since I first started reaching out to other parents that have suffered a miscarriage or stillbirth: resentment from the paternal family.

While it certainly isn't always the case, I was amazed at just how many couples found themselves facing this after losing a child. As my wife would explain, it is something that DB Mom's specifically deal with: people looking at them, thinking "what did she do to kill her baby?"

Pretty harsh.

But even more so when it is your supposed family thinking these things, or even worse, outright saying them.

To my own experience, it was things we never heard, but heard about; and more important than that, what their actions and attitudes had to say. Not to mention the years of turmoil beforehand. Of course, some members of the family were kind enough to verbalize their opinions, backing up what we'd suspected.

For others, it is years of snubs, snide remarks, not so passive aggressive comments and the complete ruin of once live-able or even loving relationships. (or, you know, at least as loving as a daughter-in-law/mother-in-law relationship can be)

In some cases, the stress of not-knowing, which tends to go hand-in-hand with a miscarriage or stillbirth, amplifies the existing tensions. For others, it is a never-before-seen undercurrent flowing through their entire family dynamic.

Common DB theme: it's different for everyone.

Nevertheless, the fact remains that an awful lot of DB parents seem to end up trying to survive the fallout in ways they never expected. You are busy deing with the pain as a parent, as a father and husband, then there is this other thing. This strange conflict where the woman you want to protect is under attack from the people that could do no wrong.

So what does a DB Daddy do?

Fuck if I know.

Me, I found no easy solution, finally going with the simplest solution. (want details? well, thats what the rest of my blog is for, you nosey bastards...but no, I didn't kill anyone)

I'm certainly not one to judge any man's reaction to this family situation; it is a turmoil on top of an already excruciating hell.

I do, however, say "shut the fuck up" to all those family members that cannot help themselves but to pass judgement. Aren't these people going through enough without you....being you!

I'd love to get a wider range of feedback from other DB parents and families. How did this work out in your family? Was there an issue at all? Is it still a source of tension/stress/strife? What did you do? Did you do nothing at all?

If you're new to this club, I am both sorry and glad that you are here. My hope is that your family -- in all its facets -- is kind and supportive to both yourself and your co-parent.

But as always, my advice is to talk about these things, at least think about these things, and assess your situation. Be aware of your family; you know them best. If you need to pull away, do it. Talk to that person you knocked up, ask her what she thinks, what she feels, because as tends to be the case, the family's ire is focused on her, not you.

Yes, unfortunately, your child has died, and now I am telling you to be paranoid about your family. Congratulations, you are NOT in Kansas anymore (and if you are reading this from Kansas,well, think of your own damn idiom.)

Good luck, and keep your head up, because next time I'll talk about how God is trying to step on you. **humor? I like to think of it that way**

zzzZZZZ**KKzkkzK** ZZZzzzzZZZZZ

I keep attempting to get a blog written, but I'm a bit too busy snoring...and subsequently destroying my wife's sanity.

To my understanding, I am one hell of a snorer, and have been for years. When I used to travel with my college Model UN group, I was eventually relegated to bunking with our professor after a trip to New York where my snoring inspired an other-wise polite teammate, who was also a cop back home, to eagerly pronounce his desire for his sidearm. Said professor slept using a C-PAP machine, so he didn't mind the snoring because he couldn't hear it over his own Vader-esque breathing.

Finally after years of friends and, um, co-sleepers, complaining of my nocturnal rumblings but also detailing the fact that I would occasionally stop breathing all-together, -- and the added fact that as a student, University health care would help pay -- I went and got a sleep study. (I could explain the road-blocks my family threw out to keep me from seeking medical advice, but it's the same story with different nouns at this point)

Now let me tell you, nothing recreates your normal sleeping habits like having 20+ wires and monitors strapped to you, including about 10 on your head and face. Diagnosis: mild sleep-apnea. Apparently the emphasis was on 'mild' because they actually told me I didn't really have any problems and sent me on my way. I didn't actually receive the "diagnosis" until I went in for my vasectomy (same hospital) and it was in the computer. Now I've also been told I have abnormally large tonsils, which is probably another issue.

So not only do I snore to the point that I wake up tired and would literally just pass out around 4 o'clock no matter what I was doing, I'd also started snoring to the point that my wife can't get any rest (difficult enough of a challenge for a pregnant woman) and now I'm waking up Jules as well. So yeah; it's bad.

So what did I do? To avoid the C-PAP, and knowing I can't get my tonsils taken out any time soon, I bought an anti-snoring mouthpiece: pulls the lower jaw forward to where your teeth lineup, pulling your tongue away from the back of your throat, which is often the cause of snoring.

Does it work? Well, I'm still in the stages of "getting used to it", but I feel like it was making some improvements. "was"? Yeah, I say that because two nights ago I apparently managed to snore through my mouthpiece, which created a whole new symphony of strange bodily noises. Then last night Jules wasn't sleeping without my arm under him, so I never got my mouthpiece. Silly, sleepy me never thought to grab the mouthpiece all those times I was back up with Jules, trying to calm him back to sleep. Apparently I should have, as my house-shaking snores returned full force. Now I'm left trying to figure out where to get flowers during a major snowstorm...

**update** most disappointing "major storm" ever. I can still see the grass! ...Now I really have no excuse to not buy flowers...

Politics and Economics of having a stillbirth

Today was a helluva day for a number of reasons. There were approximately 4500 reasons in particular that it was a helluva day. Impressively, that wasn't even the grand total of reasons!

Now despite what my voting record may suggest, I am not a full-fledged liberal; I'm certainly no right-winger; perhaps I'm supposed to call myself a libertarian, but I don't organize books (get it? haha?) No, I'm pretty well in the middle, which sadly translates into me "not really having a position".

Forgive me if my life experience suggests that there is rarely such thing as "black and white". I know there is a flip-side to every hard-nosed position, and exceptions to every rule (I spent 5 years studying literature and the English language : nothing but flip-sides and exceptions). That being said, I want to share something I posted on Facebook.

It addresses the shittiness of blindly taking a hard stance on an issue, while admittedly taking a one-dimensional view of the situation. That makes it either the most brilliant or most asinine thing I've ever said (remember, 5 years of english/lit)

A C Dear Conservatives, my son was too "old" to be aborted because he was "a life, a baby", but the insurance companies whose profits you protect say he wasn't real because he died in the womb. So, if you vote Pro-Life, send me $50 to help pay these medical bills you confused mother fuckers.

11 minutes ago · Comment ·

A C

...and if you didn't realize that the Pro-Life Republican candidate you voted for is also anti-health care reform, you need to add 10 bucks as a stupid tax.

7 minutes ago ·

A C

...if you are anti- health care reform BECAUSE you are pro-life, then you should pay double because voting against health care reforms is voting against the 'dead baby' community, which is like a double-negative and translates into you being in favor of babies dying because it saves insurance companies money. yup, you're a prick.

a few seconds ago ·

A C

cash or paypal, please.

Yes, that is a Conan O'Brien icon...something I DO take a hard stance on.

Ask a DB Dad (or "Dear Weirdo..."

Allright, I figure it's been long enough since the last post, and since that last one was certainly me grasping at straws (and I realized that the promised zombie talk just ain't gonna work...least not yet), I've been thinking of some worth-while topics. So considering the origins of this here bloggy blog, and the fact that most of the DB parent support/advice I found, while awesomely helpful, inspirational and comforting, rarely touched on the dead-baby daddy side of things, I thought maybe I'd try and give some insights, or at least open up some discussion, into this DB dad experience.

Now before I go off yakking, and before someone logs on here thinking I'm some kind of expert, let me lay out what will probably be the general disclaimer for any of these "Ask a DB Dad" posts.

If there is such a thing as an expert on being the parent of a dead baby, it certainly ain't me. I'm not even a year into this journey yet and I'm certainly still looking for answers myself. I have, however, seen, read, heard and experienced a few things that I feel might be worth sharing with those unfortunate enough to join this club.

Everyone's experience is different. We've all come to this place different paths, in different ways: no one "knows exactly how you feel". Be it that your loss came as a miscarriage, stillbirth, or the loss of a child after their birth, everyone seems to feel that pain in their own way.

That being said, there are plenty of blogs and boards out there where DB parents can share. But if you are a DB dad, you'll find that most of these places are populated with the mothers of our children, and as welcoming as they are, and as much as we feel the same pain, the experience just isn't quite the same.

no shit? really? Okay, so I know its kind of obvious, but it's something to keep in mind as you go out there in search of support and, more importantly, as you support yo' baby's mama. As caught up as I was in my own feelings after Joel died, I did have to kind of remind myself that my wife might not simultaneously feel the same things I felt. Just the same, we certainly might not deal with it the same way.

Well, okay, we kinda did: housework distractions, gallows humor, and lots of reading/writing. The big thing was that we let it be okay to emote: and thats probably the one thing these Mommas are so good at that I suggest the DB daddies adopt: let yourself be emotional, at least a bit. This is a big thing with lots of big emotions in play, and yes, that DB Momma needs you to be strong and manly and all those things, but she also needs to know it's okay for her to share all her emotions with you.

Now I'm working off the idea that in this situation you and momma are on good terms or at least maintain some kind of relationship. If not, I'm certainly not judging, because, well hey, some women can't be lived with...or maybe you're the one who couldn't be lived with, but thats totally something for you and your therapist (or lawyer) to work out.

As easy as it might be, and as much of a natural reaction as it might be to simply shut down and block it all out, sitting in the basement playing X-box for three days straight with an ever growing pile of empty Dorito bags surrounding you isn't going to be the best way to handle things. (God, that does sound like heaven though...)

Same thing goes for completely remodeling your house. Or building a Camaro....from scratch. Being productive and doing stuff is a GOOD thing, but don't delve so far in that you shut off the other half of the parent equation. Yes, from the moment that pregnancy test came up positive, she's been getting tons more attention than you, and now that tragedy has struck she is still most likely the focus of most of the love and support from others (it's just natural dude, it's nothing against you, it's just the same thing as how they don't throw baby showers for dads...we just go out drinking), she needs to know she's going through this with you. Amazingly, you'll find that it makes things a little easier to process for yourself as well.

Now ladies, you aren't off the hook either, that DB Daddy needs the same thing, but be careful not to act interested in his 62-hour X-box marathon: we totally take that as permission for an additional 24 hours.

Venus, Mars, etc. etc., yeah, men and women are gonna deal with this differently, just like every individual will; but at the end of the day, you've gotta recognize that as individual as you are, as solitary as your story is, you're still not alone. Those emotions you've got driving you crazy right now, that you don't know what to do with, they aren't unheard of, they aren't taboos. 'Dealing' with it is not the same as 'ignoring' it.

So if you can't find anywhere else, use the anonymity of the Internet and toss me a comment or a question. If not, keep coming back. Now that we've set the stage, we can get into more dad-specific posts (I would've said Dad-centric, but thats taken...and worth clicking).

Support:

babylossdirectory.blogspot.com

wvinfantloss.blogspot.com

Me time..?

So my imaginary friends ask me, "Adam, what is it that you do in your spare time?"

A question to which I generally respond, in typical parent fashion, "spare time? What's that?"

My "spare time" generally consists of short moments where Jules is distracted with Blues Clues, his art easel, or something else. In those quick 2 or 3 minute spurts of "spare time" I'll read a paragraph of something, post something on Facebook so I feel like a part of the world, or maybe type the first 3 sentences for a blog/writing idea. That is, if I don't have some household chore to go and take care of first.

Typically those household chores relate to the center of my universe. And what, you ask (my dear, imaginary friend), is the center of my universe? Is it my lovely wife whom I've turned into an expert on being pregnant over the past 3 years (you're welcome honey)? No, it is not.

What about my son, the boy-who-hates-sleep? Do I spend my spare time plotting against the bane of my existence, which is in fact his sleep schedule? Do I use my finely tuned brain to create skillful calculations and algorithms to determine how to fix this sleepless situation? If we get him up a 'x' time he'll surely be tired by 'n' at which point he ought to nap for 'a' hours and then be ready for sleep by 'b'

-- You see, once upon a time, my son slept a whole night in his crib (more than one actually) but then he got a little sick. He then had a nice long series of colds and what-nots that kept him from sleeping well. It just so happened that these illnesses occurred at the exact same time his sleep habits were forming. Now, he has ALWAYS fought sleep, and more so than any other child on earth (I'll stand by that statement) but after the sicklies, he ONLY falls asleep on Daddy's shoulder. if you "awwwwwww", I'll slap you. Think of the reality of this situation as I sit here typing, wondering if I should sell myself to IKEA as the prototype for a toddler bed...out of context, that joke could be very pedophile-ish.. not good.

BUT no, that is not the center of my universe, nor is my son in general, sadly.

No, my world revolves around one thing. One horrible, stinky thing: poop.

Poop is the center of my universe. Has been for years.

Started out when I worked at a group home for the mentally challenged/disturbed. You can imagine what my poop dealings were like there...on second thought, you probably can't. *shudder*

I left that job to put up with middle schooler's shit, and their parents shit, and the Education System's shit, etc. etc.

Then came the baby poo and my family's shit.

Then there's this group: shit to do around the house, 8 cats in my house that mostly use the litter box, and a puppy being housebroken ( who managed to somehow pop off, and chew up, the 'down arrow' on my netbook -- not sure if I'm bitching or bragging on that one. This all counts as my wife's shit. However, in exchange for 3 nights of not having to take an extra 5 minutes in the shower *wink wink* over the past 3 years, these are my responsibility because pregnant women aren't supposed to handle certain shit. Considering the disappointment she had to put up with on those 3 particular nights, and the whole 'creating life' thing, I figure its a fair enough trade.

So yeah, my life, shit; you get the point. But that isn't to say that I'm unhappy, or don't give a shit (couldn't resist), that is very much the opposite of my situation, but in regard to free time, well, I've got shit to do. (okay, that one was on purpose)

I do like talking about zombies though...maybe next post.........what the fuck kinda zombies do you talk about on a DB blog? eek!