ah, dammit! Cut that out!

No one ever told me that being in the DB club makes you an asshole to your next kid.

Every time he is sleeping quietly for more than five minutes, I poke him.

"Hey. pssst, hey. You alive?"

"bluurgle *squeeak* aaahh"

"YAY!"

(yes, babies sound like tires deflating in mud.)

The Quest: epilogue

A little something a friend did for us.

A bright and lively reminder of our boy.

For those of you that haven't been around forever (I'm actually amazed I can say that and be referring to actual people [all two of you]) a big part of this blog has been The Quest. (see sidebar for a bit more info...or, you know, click the friggin link)

Chronicling our efforts to get back in the baby-making game both emotionally and physically (read: vasectomy reversal tag) after Joel's death. It is an odd and difficult thing processing this completely unplanned path. I've read plenty of personal accounts from other DB parents who have taken that step. No one ever regrets it (no shit. really, Sherlock?) but everyone has their own way of coming to terms with that quirky reality of "this is the child I'm having because my other child died".

I've covered all that before and I feel like I summed myself up pretty well in The Road. Personally, I felt like that post was the perfect end to The Quest, but I felt like it needed a couple more notes before we 'move on'(hence "epilogue").

First of all, as lame and superficial as it is, you've probably noticed a new layout and color scheme. Fact is, the old layout was, well, bringing me down. I felt obligated to write something quasi-deep and solemn. Okay, so maybe the blog layout wasn't really behind how I had twisted the purpose of the blog in my head, but it certainly reflected and encouraged it!

Joel certainly has some powerfully difficult memories attached to him, but pretty early on I decided that was not how I would remember him. He would be celebrated, and I would do my best to extend the joy and excitement he brought us, while, you know, still being fucking sad.

Somewhere along the way I got turned around, feeling a bit like the joy of ending our Quest was counter-intuitive to what this blog "should be": a shrine to Joel. But the gnashing of teeth, tearing of clothes and wallowing in ash Old Testament style was in no way honoring him. Life honors Joel. Love honors Joel. And in the end, I started the blog on a promise to him that I'd be productive, that I'd keep writing, for better or worse (yeah, yeah, I've already acknowledged that a blog is a real lame-ass way to "be productive", but Michaelangelo I ain't).

So, a new layout, and a little less focus on "am I accurately reflecting the shit storm that is my soul in the wake of my son's death", and, more importantly, a new baby.

Prepare for the cute.

A little hairy...and a little like Kevin Spacey (not a bad thing).

Thanks to Valarie for the pics.

I got a bracelet

She did all the difficult stuff, so I'll just let her tell you. :)

Blair Owen Culver

Hungry Geller

Something very odd happened last May.

No, not my son dying in the womb, at a full 40 weeks, although that was a different and devastating occurrence.

No, not my family being... um... shitty. While also odd, it wasn't completely unexplained.

No, before all these things, I inexplicably lost 20 lbs. One day while I was vainly making faces in the mirror (also not an uncommon event), I noticed that I appeared to have increased in rugged handsomeness. I hopped on the scale, and much to my fast food eating surprise, I'd dropped 20 lbs!

Not long after this, we lost Joel.

Once I regained my appetite, I found solace in food. And once we were both ready and willing to go out in public again, it was food and drink...and drink... and occasionally another drink. Honestly, it had been two or three years since I had really drank, so I'd expected my tolerance to have fallen. I have to say that fortunately, it had not (my wife may disagree with this).

As you may guess, the magical 20 lbs came right back. It was as if my psychic-belly had foreseen a need for emotional eating on the horizon. So this year, as May 26-28 lay on the horizon, I started making an effort to lose a little weight. I don't think I was consciously prepping for these dates, but I certainly felt an urge to lose a bit (not that it isn't needed anyway).

The point of this entry? I really want a pizza. A greasy, cheesy pizza that I can gorge on while working my shadow into a permanent design on the couch. Maybe some Doritos too.

Yes, Wife, I know. Pizza is on the 'no-no' list this pregnancy. Which leads to one more reason I'm excited for Blair to get here. :)

month

Yes, I'm still alive. Wish I could say I've been too busy for a post, but that wouldn't be entirely true (although I could make up the excuse). I suppose, if anything, I've been distracted.

While I'd never really say that my mind is 'occupied', it certainly tends to be pre-occupied with what often seem to be unimportant, or at least un-help-able, items.

Unfortunately its really not all that interesting. Least not for a blog. Who wants to read a rant about tax dollars and the education system that, in the end, would really only prove how little I know about the inner-workings of the system that pays my bills? (Clearly these people know what they are doing, right? I mean, they are the EDUCATION system...and part of the government! So they MUST know what is best.)

Now one interesting and not-mad-at-the-world item thats been on my ming is the young Mr. Blair Culver (had I mentioned that? Blair Owen, to be exact. more names that will probably make my family cringe

So far things have been looking pretty good for our newest boy. Even had an echo-cardiogram the other day and got the all clear on heart issues (ordered for two reasons: my sister was born with a heart defect *insert joke* and there are some kidney issues related to heart defects)

He has also been referred to as "wild" which I would certainly agree with . The kid moves a whole lot more than Jules or Joel ever did during their ultrasounds. We may be in for some trouble when this guy comes home.

I still have plans for 'Ask a DB dad', particularly on the religious front like I had teased. Well, its not religious advice, persay, more like 'how to deal with religious stuff' because, to put it simply, just because a Bible quote applies to a situation, it doesn't mean it is automatically comforting. But- but.. it's from THE BIBLE?! Yes, Virginia, but so is the edict not to eat that bacon sandwich you're chowing down on -- we'll talk about this later.

As for now I must go work on this 'grad school' stuff and, apparently, figure out what I "officially" plan to do with my life. I'm being told that making smartass comments, reading comics, thinking about comics and cleaning up poop does not count as a "life plan". Feel free to make suggestions.