You'll never see it coming.
So here is an issue that has bothered me since I first started reaching out to other parents that have suffered a miscarriage or stillbirth: resentment from the paternal family.
While it certainly isn't always the case, I was amazed at just how many couples found themselves facing this after losing a child. As my wife would explain, it is something that DB Mom's specifically deal with: people looking at them, thinking "what did she do to kill her baby?"
Pretty harsh.
But even more so when it is your supposed family thinking these things, or even worse, outright saying them.
To my own experience, it was things we never heard, but heard about; and more important than that, what their actions and attitudes had to say. Not to mention the years of turmoil beforehand. Of course, some members of the family were kind enough to verbalize their opinions, backing up what we'd suspected.
For others, it is years of snubs, snide remarks, not so passive aggressive comments and the complete ruin of once live-able or even loving relationships. (or, you know, at least as loving as a daughter-in-law/mother-in-law relationship can be)
In some cases, the stress of not-knowing, which tends to go hand-in-hand with a miscarriage or stillbirth, amplifies the existing tensions. For others, it is a never-before-seen undercurrent flowing through their entire family dynamic.
Common DB theme: it's different for everyone.
Nevertheless, the fact remains that an awful lot of DB parents seem to end up trying to survive the fallout in ways they never expected. You are busy deing with the pain as a parent, as a father and husband, then there is this other thing. This strange conflict where the woman you want to protect is under attack from the people that could do no wrong.
So what does a DB Daddy do?
Fuck if I know.
Me, I found no easy solution, finally going with the simplest solution. (want details? well, thats what the rest of my blog is for, you nosey bastards...but no, I didn't kill anyone)
I'm certainly not one to judge any man's reaction to this family situation; it is a turmoil on top of an already excruciating hell.
I do, however, say "shut the fuck up" to all those family members that cannot help themselves but to pass judgement. Aren't these people going through enough without you....being you!
I'd love to get a wider range of feedback from other DB parents and families. How did this work out in your family? Was there an issue at all? Is it still a source of tension/stress/strife? What did you do? Did you do nothing at all?
If you're new to this club, I am both sorry and glad that you are here. My hope is that your family -- in all its facets -- is kind and supportive to both yourself and your co-parent.
But as always, my advice is to talk about these things, at least think about these things, and assess your situation. Be aware of your family; you know them best. If you need to pull away, do it. Talk to that person you knocked up, ask her what she thinks, what she feels, because as tends to be the case, the family's ire is focused on her, not you.
Yes, unfortunately, your child has died, and now I am telling you to be paranoid about your family. Congratulations, you are NOT in Kansas anymore (and if you are reading this from Kansas,well, think of your own damn idiom.)
Good luck, and keep your head up, because next time I'll talk about how God is trying to step on you. **humor? I like to think of it that way**
