my son's shadow

started 6-24-09 completed 7-2-09

In Everything Jules does, I see the little boy that should be following in his footsteps.

I don't really have a lot else to add to that comment, but it's been on the tip of my brain for a while and I just had to get it out there. That idea that there is just a little something more to Jules' shadow now; a constant reminder of who should be there at his heels.

But there is also Joel's shadow; the one I already live in and the one that I hope our next child will not live in. It's a hard thing to get around though, because we weren't planning on a litter of children. We intended to stop at two. Matter o' fact, we actually took measures to insure that we stopped at two.

Oh, how the story of my vasectomy was intended to be a light-hearted romp; codine induced hallucinations, odd moments of awareness during surgery, ice packs and days of accidental direct hits from Jules to, well, my jewels (ah, puns).

Instead it's a big fat lesson in irony (not REAL irony, more like the Alanis Morisette kind of irony...). See, the day after my vasectomy we went in for an ultrasound. Honestly, we were just there to try and get some good ultrasound pictures because the 20-week visit was crap and we only got a few good pictues. Instead we were told that our son only had one kidney. We later found out that there was in fact a kidney present; a pelvic kidney, much smaller and kidden in the pelvic cavity. That, at 37 weeks by the way, was when we were told Joel was A-okay and we didn't have anything to worry about- no need for weekly ultrasounds. 41 weeks we joined the club. (no proven connection though... )

I did, however, cement that I will listen to my wife NO MATTER WHAT at this point though. We hadn't expected the urologist to schedule my vasectomy before Joel's due date, but when he did, we rationally said, "well, we're in the safe zone now." Now my wife kept half-joking that something would happen after the vasectomy, but we thought that was irrational and stuck to the plan. We should have trusted her gut. I insist that she pick the lotto numbers from now on.

So now having a third child isn't just a matter of "okay, lets do it", it's a matter of traveling, surgery, and finances. More directly, for our third child, it's a matter of "If Joel hadn't died..."
I don't want our third child to feel like a replacement child, but in the end how do you ever really avoid that?

I mean, who's to say? Maybe we would have decided, a few years down the road, "Hey, let's pull a Dr. Phil and get this thing reversed so we can have a third child AND extra debt." And while we joke, we honestly might have decided that and, just like now, feel that it is worth every penny. So far, we make pretty good looking kids if I do say so myself, so why not just keep going? As my wife suggested, we can be the New Dungers! It'll be awesome! (...did is spell that right?)

*sigh* ...of course, there's the fact that this gets harder for me every day. I've been told it is supposed to get a little easier, but it seems like it is getting harder. I've had the comfort of living in a 'pocket world': my own little world where the only real human interactions I have are with my wife and son (well, and my keyboard). We can go out, and I see people I don't know, and it's okay because they have no expectations of me. They won't think anything of the shadow. But everyone else; my family, my co-workers, my friends; they will notice that I'm not the same. I know them all and unfortunately, the majority of them will try to 'help' because they'll want me to be the same as I was before. They'll want me to quit walking in the shadow and act like I did before (however that was). I don't want to deal with that. I don't want to deal with that look in their eyes as they start thinking "shouldn't he be better by now?"

My friends, my good ones, I know will be fine. I actually want to be with my friends; generally their expectation has always just been love, good conversation, and maybe some booze. Well, there's really no maybe to it: there's usually booze.

My family though... I suppose I've always worried about their expectations. At one point I assumed that "they're my family, things will always be good between us". Well, if you've kept up enough, you've probably picked up on the fact that my family hasn't been good to my wife. I've been guilt-ridden over the whole thing for a long time, to a debilitating point. Obviously a part of me wants my family -- well, every part of me wants my family, but my family-by-blood can't seem to get with the idea that it is all one unit, so we stay apart. To simplify everything: my status-quo didn't meet certain expectations as it was. Their unhappiness with this was to the point that they weren't even happy about our having a second child, so I can't imagine how they'd feel about his shadow. I guess they'll just have to deal with it; nevertheless, it gives me grief.

I'd like to say something hopeful now, about how I will move forward etc. etc. , but right now I feel pretty grim. Thankfully, I have my wife to pull me along for now, until I get my feet under me again. She is truly something special and I hope she never doubts my devotion to her.

I will forever live in my son's shadow and I do not mind that at all. Like anything, it is at times a burden for it weighs heavily on me, but it is also a comfort because you cannot have a shadow without light, and I know that the shadow is only there because of the light I hold for him and the light his life left in me.