What the hell is that name?

Firstly, I'm testing the 'email your blog post' feature because I'm new to this and, well, I can probably post more easily from work using email than blogger.com  (Hey, I have a really long planning period, okay?)

So, the 'new' screen name: Rivalen.  No, I didn't grab it from Lord of the Rings or D&D.  It actually comes from the Arthurian legend of Tristan & Isolde; Rivalen was Tristan's father. Okay, so its pretty close to D&D...   Nonetheless, I didn't think "Captain Winkie's Dead Baby Blog" really captured the tone I'm going for.  Thusly, I've adopted the new sn.    The jury is still out on whether I feel that I, like Rivalen, have given up my son for safekeeping.

My wife first commented that she didn't want to hear anything about our boy, Joel Tristan,  being in a better place.  She never has been much of the religious type, and while I have, I have to admit questioning just what I do believe.  Not just now, but based on the fact of how much of my 'faith' is just learned behaviorl; routine from youth.  I definitely believe in the human soul and that there is a whole lot more out there that we do not know, and I certainly try to follow the teachings of Christ, I mean, he seems to have been a pretty good guy, ya know?  But right now, with all of this... I just find it really hard to think about religion or Heaven or even sweet baby Jesus. 

That will probably be a shocker to my family: no preacher or prayer service at the memorial.  If someone wants to pray, by all means I encourage them.  I know I find myself talking to God here and there, but never for long; it feels like talking to a dropped call.  At least it isn't like talking to my mother: at least God isn't there directly responding to what I've said with things that don't make sense or are off topic (and no, she has no dementia). See, I picked up a lot of avoidance skills as coping mechanisms from my mother.  Fortunately, I recognize them for what they are; unfortunately, she sees the equivalent of sitting with her fingers in her ears as a good strategy. She means well and she tries her best, but its all pretty self-serving at the end of the day.

Oh, I could go on and on;  trust me, there is a lot of pain wrapped up in this pregnancy even before Joel died.  Its just a real pisser that it is threatening to spill over to the day of his service.  I mean, no one likes my mother-in-law all that much, but why does MY family have to make such a big deal out of it?  *sigh* future blogs abound with that subject

Its a portrait of a life and a family flopping around like a fish gasping for air.  Its just a question of how (or if) we'll get back to water and start living again.